Monday, July 30, 2007

One more for the Lemming Pile

OMG Have you noticed the alarming increase in the number of marriages between one man and five women, one man and a goat, or between ten men, fifteen women, a dolphin, and a television remote lately? Neither have I. Yet as far as Fundamentalist Christian Bigots are concerned all of these things were bound to take place now that same-sex Marriage is legal in Massachusetts. Well Fundies, I don't mean to be a smart-mouthed bastard (it comes naturally) but are people gonna make with the polygamy? And I don't want to gloat (though if I do its only because I was right all along) but you're running out of time for your dire predictions to come true.

"Oh but you forget, rampant homosexuality and same-sex marriage presaged the downfall of the Roman Empire we can't take that risk!" Thou sayest.

Actually I can recall only one "same-sex" marriage that occured in Roman history, that of the Emperor Nero to a slave boy. However as I also recall, anyone who dared defy Nero invariably wound up dead. But same-sex marriage in ancient Rome was actually quite illegal. Ancient Romans in fact placed preminate value on heterosexual marriage and family life. In fact the Ancient Roman ideal of the family unit with the male as the leader of the household followed by the subservient woman (or women occasionally) and Leave-it-to-Beaver children would be something that modern Fundies in the United States could only achieve in their wettest dreams if not for that bothersome notion of "Freedom".

What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. That is of course an overgeneralization but I think one that aptly describes the antics of the anti-gay movement in America. If there is one constant in the ever changing dynamic of American politics its that: Fundamentalists SUCK when it comes to maintaining momentum for their cause. This is due in part to their reticence to embrace new ideas of course, but also because of their attitude that the world is organized in sharp contrasts. Black and White, good vs evil, right vs wrong, etc. And while they may have the ability to gain a victory politically what they don't seem to understand is that they have to maintain it.

Examples of ConservaFundie rationale:

  1. "Well we won the last election, why are you bothering registering Democrat voters? Don't you realize you lost?"
  2. "Voters passed Prop 22 the Defense of Marriage Act in California in 2000, it doesn't matter that a majority now support civil unions or same-sex marriage. Changing it now would go against the 'will of the voters'".

In the mindset of Conservatives (especially of the Fundamentalist Christian variety) changes in public opinion are irrelevant so long as at some point public opinion happened to coincide with their opinion. Whatever it was then is whatever it is now; it must be because opinions are set in stone...and change is scary. There are of course times when even the most stubborn fundy must concede least internally. When that happens the ensuing drama is absolutely delicious.

Consider the screeching drama queens at who organized to try and force a constitutional amendment be added to the Massachusetts's state constitution. After failing the first two times to get a majority in the admittedly left-leaning legislature to vote for the ballot initiative they tried a much less common (and more despicable) tactic. First they rounded up enough signatures (through scare mongering, threats, and we found out later: outright lying for Jesus) to require that only 1/4th the legislators vote in favor of the amendment in two consecutive terms for the question to be put to the voters. And: it happened. Oh you should have heard the cackles of sheer hategasm on the Fundie side.

"Now you queers are gonna PAY!" etc, etc. But like the Fundie style of lovemaking (both mostly clothed, missionary style through a hole in a sheet) it was over before you knew it had begun. The amendment failed to get the necessary 1/4th legislature support it needed the second time around. Gasp! Could it be that the legislators involved in the first vote over a year ago had time to listen to some of the concerns of their gay and lesbian constituents, took time to consider the impact of their decision, and accordingly changed their minds? Not according to Nay it was meddlesome outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi who "forced" (I guess through the Imperius curse or something) 11 lawmakers to change their vote. recently decided not to try a third time to gather signatures to bring the ballot before the legislature. Curious because they still claim "vast public support" for their small-penised brand of bigotry. Instead they now threaten the careers of lawmakers who don't vote the way they like. Yeah that always works. Dumbbutts

Friday, July 27, 2007

Dear Myspace Bimbo

This morning I awoke with a start. It was 3:55AM. Something had jarred me out of a sound sleep. I held my breath for a moment and let my eyes adjust to the looming dark and that's when I noticed the light on my cell phone blinking. It is rare for me to receive a message after midnight, so, fearing the worst I plucked the phone from the charger and opened it. "Youve got a new message on Myspace from Laura!" it announced in cheerful computer generated email.
"Raaaaawwrrrrr!" said I as I rolled over and set the alarm for 5:40AM, "curse you Laura whoever you are!"

What could be so urgent that it would require a myspace message at 4 o'clock in the morning? Well I found out later that morning as I was riding the bus to work. As is my usual custom I try to become wrapped up in the morning news on my cell phone. This has a couple of advantages. For one it staves off the boredom of sitting at the station for 20 minutes. For another its a great way to avoid making eye contact with the mentally ill alcoholics that typically ride the bus who might otherwise start talking to me.

But on this particular morning I decided to check my myspace messages. The message from Laura read: (and I'm paraphrasing because it was one of those crappy picture of text messages that spammers think Myspace won't be able to figure out and filter)

"Hey what happened to you? I've been trying to reach you. Well I THOUGHT we'd make a cute couple and you're really hot but obviously you're not interested. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING! But here's a picture to tease you [Insert random female butt picture] If you change your mind about us click on"

THAT'S why I had to wake up two hours early?

So I wrote back:

"Dear myspace bimbo, while its true that I am hot and you and I would make a cute couple (by extension of my hottness), I feel it important to say that I have absolutely zero interest in you, your boobs, or your ass. There are several reasons why you fail as an individual to qualify for a relationship with me of any sort. I'm sure you have self-esteem issues and hearing the reasons why you are a reject would be devestating to you. Well here they are:

  1. You're inconsiderate, rude, and obnoxious. I don't like people who call at all hours and leave ultimatums about our relationship. I find it smothering and it shows a deep lack of trust on your part, and that hurts my feelings.
  2. Your sense of self-worth is dependent entirely on what others think of you. Consequently you cling to relationships even LONG after your lover has lost interest in you. And why has he you ask? Probably because you've driven him insane with your "If you really loved me you'd know what to do right now and if I have to tell you it must mean you hate me!" attitude. If you can't be happy by yourself you're just going destroy the spirit of whoever you're with.
  3. Your little "Boobs wiggle booty shake" routine might get you whatever you want from other men, but all you'll get out of me is a laugh. You have no power here be gone!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Malcontent in the Middle

As of late I've notice an alarming increase in the number of morons in Colorado Springs. There seems to be a cluster effect around this time of the year and I think I've figured it out. Morons, being dullards, are naturally uncreative and pick the same time of the year to travel because their primative herd instinct instructs them too. This is quite a problem because: stupid people SHOULD NOT travel.

How to tell if you're a stupid idiot moron who should not travel:

1. You say things like, "Reservations? We don't need no stinking reservations" and just expect that every hotel is leaving a room vacant just in case you decide to grace them with your presence.

2. You think its a good idea to pack 5 kids, all under the age of 7, into a car and drive from your hickville hometown to someplace 1,000 miles away you've never been before. Kids are by definition: irritating to everyone around them. They're messy, greasy/sticky, smelly, and screechy. If you must travel may we suggest putting them up for adoption first?

3. All coupons are "based on availability" they are not advertisements. If a store offers a coupon for 1/2 price off a certain make and brand of stereo and they are sold out of them by the time you get you throw a fit and stomp your feet and scream, "THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING!"? No, you'd simply drive to the next Target or Walmart. And guess what? That's the same thing you get to do with hotels till you find one that will take your cheap wrinkled butt; don't be surprised if they rent by the hour.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I see you found my Underground, help yourself to Guns and Ammo

Its another rainy grey day. You know what that means: time for another deeply pensive blog entry in which I ponder the meaning of the universe. Oh lucky you!This morning (before I awoke the second time) I dreampt that I was the mutant Magneto. And while it was cool to be able to sense and manipulate the electromagnetic fields around me my over-all impression of the dream was that that was merely incidental. A friend of mine insists that I was reading too much into the X-Men movies and comic books. But I contend that the series is a metaphor for a variety of minority rights issues (which broaches on allegory to misuse a definition). So much so that you'd have to have blinders on not to see it.

One of the recurring themes is the Magneto character's preoccupation with preserving "his kind". This is somewhat of a concern of mine as well although it would take some serious crisis for me to consider taking thing's to Magneto's extremes. Magneto believes in the supremacy of the Mutants over "normal" human beings. While this is in-and-of itself an appealing premise it can lead to the same megalomaniacal complex which spawned the Nazi party's belief in Aryan supremacy. This is a curious mindset for Magneto to have as he suffered under the Nazi's and had direct insight into their brutality. Yet, he adopts many of the same tactics and this ultimately leads to the same end: attempted genocide.

I think the point of Magneto is to show how the desire to protect one's own kind needs to be tempered with respect and tolerance of others who are NOT your own kind. This is a lesson everyone should learn. Unfortunately we live in a political and social climate wherein the mere act of asserting your differences is an affront to others. Such a response is bound to generate resentment amongst those who are "on the outs" with our culture. Who can blame them? How would you like to be called "the enemy" in the "Culture War" and to be accused of attempting to destroy a nation? Especially when you never bore any malice toward anyone? What's important is our response. Do we claim to be "better" than our enemies but feel justified in giving them a taste of their own medicine? Or do we actually take a morally positive position and prove how superior we are?


Show your Colors!


Showing "her" colors this morning was:

The Underground

In downtown Colorado Springs. Oh yes you heard me right. There is a gay bar in the capitol of the United States of Fundamentalist Wackjobs. Actually if you want to get technical there are three gay bars in total in this city. One is a lesbian bar which holds little interest for me (for obvious reasons) except if I want to get my ass handed to me in a round of pool by a bunch of scary women. And the other...well lets not really get into that place. Suffice-it-to-say: its become rather seedy. Or rather, it has a reputation as such. Is it deserved? Maybe. Never-the-less I will and have in the past, gone to The Underground. Perhaps I will go this Sunday after Gay Pride in the Springs.
See you there maybe.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

People Watching

This morning at the hotel I saw a Dork and four of his little dorklings come in. OMG this guy was a huge Dork, let me tell you. Looked like a middle-aged Harry Potter. And his kids? Looked like Revenge of the Nerds: the grade school years. I swear they were totally stereotypical. I wanted to take a picture but I thought that probably would have been rude. One of them even got a bloody nose. All that was missing of course was the Nerd Matriarch. I specifically remember saying to myself, "I have GOT to see this woman for myself," when in she waltzed. She was a frumpy, tree-hugging-looking, earth-muffin who squinted through thick glasses and said, "Good 'Moyning'!" with a buck-toothed smile. With a grin from ear-to-ear I said, "and good morning to you ma'am," not because I was particularly happy to see her but because she fit the mental image I had of her...PERFECTLY!

Automechanery 101

The other morning when I left for work I noticed a sign posted next to my car. I stopped briefly to read it. "No Parking on 7-7-07 after 6AM by order of the CSPD". How curious. The last time they blocked off the street like that was during the St. Patrick's day parade. At that time I just moved my car onto Weber St. which was not closed. However at that time I also had a functioning car. This time around my car had two acute problems. One: (critical) the battery had died long ago, and two: the original reason it had been sitting there, the busted CV Joint.
Yesterday (July 6th) I started to panic. I thought to myself, "well, I'll just jump start the car and drive it around to the other side of the block" clunking and shuddering and all. So I went out there after work and tried to do a jumpstart from Dustin's car. I got all the cables hooked up, hopped into my car, turn the key and *click* nothing. Undaunted I double checked the connections, none were loose or on in the wrong position so I tried the key again. *Click* again nothing. So I thought, "Well no problem, we'll just put it in neutral and push it into the driveway for tonight, and push it back in the morning." So I tried to shift into neutral, but it was stuck in Park. By this point I was positively crestfallen, how was I going to move my car? I can't afford $80 just to tow it around the block. Defeated I went around to the front to unhook the jumper cables, that was when I noticed the positive lead on one half the cable was corroded to the point that it was about to fall off. Further inspection revealed that the plastic grips on both the negative leads were melted. Then it dawned on me; perhaps someone had improperly cross-circuited the cable before...maybe its just the cable that's crummy. So I drove Dustin's car to Walmart and bought a new "booster" cable for $8, connected it, turned the key and by golly the car started just like it always had; like it hadn't even been sitting for 3 months. I drove it around to the other side of the block and parked it. I decided to let it idle for a while BUT of course after about an hour it cut-off (out of gas). As I recall in the days prior to putting it on suspension I had driven it on "empty" for about 3 days. That is easy to fix since there's a gas station up the block so its no big deal.

Friday, July 6, 2007

A Trip to the Paunch Shop

I've made up my mind about something. It is finally time to do something about my beer-belly. Unfortunately doing "something" will require two old standbys both of which are equally loathsome: diet and exercise. Specifically this will mean altering my diet and exercising more. And by "more" I mean "at all, because I am one lazy sonofagun when it comes to exercise. My goal? Lose the paunch which stubbornly hangs around my lower abdomen. Or at the very least reduce through the magic of illusion its profile :)

Fortunately I'm not totally without a leg up in this endeavor. After many years of research into the matter I have developed a diet plan that is guaranteed to work without exercise. Yes I know you've heard this claim a million times already. Well frankly I don't care what you've heard and I'm not going to share the particulars with you anyway. I will say (with deep reservation) that Atkins was at least partially right. He was just coincidentally right though. Protein does seem to be the keystone.

The dirty little secret about the Atkins diet though: it reduces calories just like any other diet, sometimes drastically so. "But it works! Carbs are the enemy!" of course it works you dolt! All diets work through the same principle of taking in fewer calories than your body needs thus forcing your body to draw energy from fat stores. "But carbs...starches...ketosis...cutting them that's what does the work!" Once again, you're not telling me anything I don't already know.

Consider this,

Protein: 4 calories per gram.
Carbohydrates: 4 calories per gram.
Fat: 9 calories per gram.

Most foods contain some balance of all three groups lets assume for the sake of argument that the ratios are correct on a macro scale. In otherwords if you need and consume 2500 calories per day 23.5% would come from protein, 23.5% from carbs, and 52% from fats. If you cut your carb intake 90% (as you do during Atkins) you wind up trimming about 530 calories from your 2500 calorie diet. Hey guess what that means! That's right: lower calorie diet.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Here's to swimmin with Bow-legged women!

A lot of you (my loyal readers) have been asking, "how do you divide your day Trevor?" Well you're very kind to ask.

Typically I will wake up two or three times before 6:00AM. I enjoy the comfort of knowing, "Hey you know what? I can still sleep for another hour." After which I will awake in a panic at 5:55AM, throw the covers off, and make a dash for the shower. I suppose if I were to start going to bed earlier I could wake up sooner and have time for a cup of coffee and some breakfast (for once)...but that's just too Poor Richard's Almanac for me. Besides, there's coffee at work. I'd quit if there wasn't.

After that work takes up a large chunk of my morning. I work at a hotel in a semi-rough part of town here in Colorado Springs. I say semi-rough because its really just economically depressed. To hear my guests describe it you'd think the hotel was in the middle of the Watts District; however I always consider the source. When the description comes from an overweight aging housewife who hasn't left the suburbs in 20 years and doesn't even have the courtesy to make up her face in the morning THEN it is suspect.

After a brief 8-hour intermission work is over and I go home. Usually I catch the free-shuttle back. Sometimes Ben picks me up and takes me back to my house. On days when Ben is working (by the way Ben and I are dating) I will typically stop by Starbucks after work and enjoy a Hazelnut latte and a snickerdoodle cookie. The latte because I'm a caffeine junkie, and the snickerdoodle because its just fun to say. Occasionally I'll go for Falafel except on days when I'm broke and then its strictly coffee...must have coffee...GIVE ME COFFEE!

Starbucks is an interesting affair here in...I guess you would call Colorado the "west". People out here while hopelessly addicted to the substance don't elevate coffee to the same level as they do in the Pacific Northwest (including Alaska). In Colorado you might be served a B-A-D bad cup of coffee, but you choke it down anyway in silence. In Seattle a little melodrama would ensue. You would take a sip and say, "Ohhhhh this is just terrible! Its watered down, the coffee has scorched and the milk is lukewarm!" then you'd pass the cup around to all your friends to sip so they can express their disdain and sympathy. Once you have sufficiently berated the coffee in front of everyone in the shop you'd bring it up to the counter and tell the barista everything that was dissapointing about the coffee and why he doesn't deserve to wear the green frock. Your barista would then hang his head in shame while he remade your double-shot latte: half regular half non-fat, sugarfree vanilla, no whip but extra foam; then he would go into the back and commit sepuku. Next week there would be someone new at the counter to screw up your order. Colorado Springs? Not so much.

But I digress. After my mid-afternoon jaunt to downtown I typically return home where I am frequently welcomed by my roommate Dustin and one bad kitty named Trouble. Her method of welcoming involves: meowing straight for about five minutes followed by digging her claws into the back of the leather sofa. Then she follows me around the house until I pick her up and muss up her fur. Then she's good for about an hour.

After that I feed either my World of Warcraft addiction OR if World of Warcraft is offline for maintainence (about 50% of the time) I feed my strategy game addiction which currently is sated by Command & Conquer 3. After that anything goes. If its monday or tuesday I usually hang out with Ben. Wednesday through Sunday is kind of a draw and I do whatever the heck I feel like.

Some of my favorite haunts:

Poor Richard's Bookstore/Coffee shop/Pizza: cause I mean come on! There's books, coffee, and pizza.

East Coast Delicatessen: great food, huge portions, low-ish price.

Starbucks: Naturally.

The Pita Pit: to feed my sometimes insane craving for Falafel.

Border's Bookstore: I like that they let you sit around reading the books as long as you like and nobody bothers you to purchase. That's probably because they're really, really lazy there.

Bed, Bath & Beyond: cause I like looking at impractical albeit attractive furniture and accessories.

Home Depot: I like to think about the dreamhouse I want to build in which I can put all the impractical furniture I buy from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

The World Market: its like Bed, Bath & Beyond only they have African inspired furniture...which I find hideous. And not like leopard skinned underwear hideous, or 1970's themed end-table hideous which are kinda cool. Just plain hideous. What kind of person would buy that crap? Oh yeah, someone with no taste. Speaking of taste, its the only place I know of in Colorado Springs where you can buy ligonberry sauce, a favorite of mine.

Look around town. You're bound to run into me from time-to-time...statistically speaking of course.