You should have used Preparation H...on your mouth.

*snap snap snap (fingers snapping) tap tap tap (fingernails rapping on the counter)*

"Come on COME ON! I need to get going!"

To my impatient guests who think they're so important they can't afford to waste a second on anything: up your's.

I realize that in the fabulously glamorous world of 'Used Car Sales' you're used to fast-talking and borderline hustling of people. But here in my world we actually take time to be pleasant, patient, and understanding. While you're sucking the lifeblood out of your customers trying to earn a commission, I'm getting paid an hourly wage. Unlike you its optional for me to be a ginormous asshole (though I would find that unthinkable), because lets face it: the pay is the same whether I try hard or not.

You're used to having things your own way. You think this is because you're important and sucessful and therefore deserve such treatment. Actually its because people can't stand you and will do almost anything to make you shutup and GO AWAY!

I however, am your worst enemy. I'm exceedingly patient and insults, threats, and temper-tantrums don't affect me in the slightest. You WILL get your receipts; sure I could have it "right quick" but you're going to have to wait till your attitude improves. I don't believe in rewarding sociopathic behavior.

Sorry...dumbass.

HeadOn Apply directly to the forehead!

Sometimes I wish there was a sound associated with rolling your eyes. It wouldn't have to happen each time but it would be reserved for occasions when somebody said something REALLY exasperating. Case in point: this morning I received a phone call at exactly 7:01AM. I REALLY could have used the eye roll sound effect for that phone call.

"Umm hi, my husband and I are recently divorced and he has custody of the kids and lives in Colorado Springs now..." (Like I care lady)

"...Anyway my current fiance and I are going to be travelling out there in September and we're thinking of staying at your hotel for a couple of nights..." (Again: so what? 'your hotel' are the first two words you've said so far that interest me)

"...Can you describe the neighborhood that you're in?" (this call couldn't have waited till oh I don't know, NEVER?) So I went through the whole shpeal and finally she said thanks for the information and hung up.

In an ideal world, here's how that same conversation would have gone...

*ring ring* [Thawump - eye roll sound effect]

"Umm hi, [Thawump] my husband and I are recently divorced and he has custody of the kids and lives in Colorado Springs now..." [Thawump]

"...Anyway my current fiance and I are going to be travelling out there in September [Thawump][Thawump] and we're thinking of staying at your hotel for a couple of nights..."[Thawump][Thawump][Thawump]!

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize how rediculous and pointless this would sound until I heard your eyes rolling, I'll call back at a normal person hour, bye now"[Thawump]

Drive safely you Cheap Rotten Bastard! And take your wife's thighs with you.

Every now and then you get a retired Lawyer as a guest in the hotel. In case you've never met one before I'll fill you in on the dirt. Lawyers are by definition: rotten bastards. Retired lawyers (by extension of being old coots) are even worse; they are Cheap Rotten Bastards. You know how they say "Doctors make the worst patients"? Well lawyers (while not necessarily the worst guests...that award goes to Bridezillas) make terrible hotel guests. Why? Unlike most they will actually READ everything you ask them to sign. And then they will quiz you on the information even though they know full-well they have a much better grasp of "limited liability" than you.

Whereas a normal person would simply intitial and sign wherever you told them to, with Cheap Rotten Bastard Lawyers you get:

"Well now wait a minute what's this? 'I agree that my liability for this bill is not waived and agree to be held personally liable in the event that the indicated person, company, or association fails to pay the full amount of these charges' what else are you going to charge my card for!?"

The answer being: Nothing...provided you aren't adding additional nights, running up your phone bill, charging concessions to your room, etc. However you as the 'indicated person' are affirming that you will be responsible for any charges you (indicated person) incur.

"Grunt, well I'll sign it then." You know at that very moment CRB (Cheap Rotten Bastard) is going to sit down with his bill at checkout and scrutinize everything from the AAA discount percentage to the sales tax. Will he borrow your calculator to check his figures? No of course not, how does he know your calculator doesn't lie to him the same as you?
Then when all is said and done, CRB will plop down: a coupon.