Wednesday, September 12, 2007

You don't need a degree to operate a toaster...

So there I was minding my own business when this trailer trash looking guy comes barrelling out of the dining room.


So I calmly made my way into the dining room to check on things. As I was walking toward the toaster it popped up as usual. There was no toast in it however. So I asked the gentleman (and I use that term loosely),

"Did your toast get burned?" He shook his head.

"Nah I took the toast out with the tonges". I assured him everything was fine now and went back to work. The toaster, being one of the simplest appliances, operates on the principle that the user is more intelligent than it is. As the average toaster costs $12.95 at Walmart its a safe bet its probably not loaded with advanced technology that is able to sense when the toast is manually pulled out the slot. That being the case, the toaster will naturally plug along until it reaches the point it assumes the toast is done whether or not there is actually any bread in there. If the toaster WERE actually stuck the logical solution is to: pull the plug. Then it will cool down enough to be serviced or if necessary discarded and replaced. Its people like that guy I mentioned that are the reason we can't have nice things.

One of the most common complaints I hear (in regards to the breakfast) comes in the form of an accusing question: "Oh you don't have a waffle station?" NO WE DO NOT HAVE A WAFFLE STATION. A make your own waffle station would be an unqualified disaster; most of these people aren't bright enough to handle a bowl of cereal. I can just hear it now....

"Timmy its time to go!"

"Just a second mom I'm making another waffle!" Timmy pours more batter on both griddles, spilling over the edge and down the counter.


"But Myoooommmmmmm! Waaaaaaaa!"

"NOW YOU MISERABLE LITTLE BRAT! I WISH I HAD HAD THAT ABORTION!" She grabs little Timmy by the arm and drags him off kicking and screaming. Meanwhile the waffles silently cook, then overcook, then start to char as the dining room slowly fills with smoke. At this point an elderly lady will come to the front and say,

"Excuse me you're out of the Delicious Orange Juice"...the orange juice which comes from concentrate and tastes like sugar water which gives me a sour stomach just thinking about it. So I will go up to throw in another container of orange sludge and find flames shooting out from under the waffle iron. Come on now you know as well as I that's EXACTLY what would happen. I'd say the solution is to buy the pre-cooked package waffles that you heat up in the toaster...but they don't know how to work that either.

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