I is back!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, and gentlemen who believe they are ladies and vice-versa, the indomitable Trevor is back! Back just in time to have a long boring discussion about the year in review (2007). Actually that idea also bores me so I won't be doing that afterall.

One thing I would like to do is discuss my New Year's Resolutions for 2008. In my experience I tend to keep my resolutions best in years which are even-numbered. 1998 for example: I resolved to go to college out-of-state and I achieved that goal. 2002: I resolved to lose that extra...AHEM...45 lbs (which I accomplished by becoming "The Atkins Nazi") and I still have the "Fat Shirt" which used to be tight on me as a reminder of my success. 2006: I resolved to become "too skinny" and accomplished that (lightest I ever was since sophomore year of highschool - 185lbs). These are resolutions which are not exactly easy to keep so in retrospect I find it extraordinary that a lazy slob such as myself was able to accomplish that much. Normally I would have given up by the end of January.

But like I said this is 2008, the cycle of years has landed on an even-numbered year and I am ready and motivated to carry out my New Year's Resolutions. Now if I just had some...

Okay I thought of one:

1. Update your blog more often you lazy slob!

There should be fresh content, new discussions, new music, new pictures AT LEAST once every week. I think that is a reasonable goal. I'm thinking about getting a nicer digital camera. Not one that's so nice that I would go into mourning if I ever left it at a table at the mall but one that's better than the crappy camera that's built into the SideKick II. This will be my first resolution.

You don't need a degree to operate a toaster...

So there I was minding my own business when this trailer trash looking guy comes barrelling out of the dining room.

"THE TOASTER IS STUCK IN THE ON POSITION!"

So I calmly made my way into the dining room to check on things. As I was walking toward the toaster it popped up as usual. There was no toast in it however. So I asked the gentleman (and I use that term loosely),

"Did your toast get burned?" He shook his head.

"Nah I took the toast out with the tonges". I assured him everything was fine now and went back to work. The toaster, being one of the simplest appliances, operates on the principle that the user is more intelligent than it is. As the average toaster costs $12.95 at Walmart its a safe bet its probably not loaded with advanced technology that is able to sense when the toast is manually pulled out the slot. That being the case, the toaster will naturally plug along until it reaches the point it assumes the toast is done whether or not there is actually any bread in there. If the toaster WERE actually stuck the logical solution is to: pull the plug. Then it will cool down enough to be serviced or if necessary discarded and replaced. Its people like that guy I mentioned that are the reason we can't have nice things.

One of the most common complaints I hear (in regards to the breakfast) comes in the form of an accusing question: "Oh you don't have a waffle station?" NO WE DO NOT HAVE A WAFFLE STATION. A make your own waffle station would be an unqualified disaster; most of these people aren't bright enough to handle a bowl of cereal. I can just hear it now....

"Timmy its time to go!"

"Just a second mom I'm making another waffle!" Timmy pours more batter on both griddles, spilling over the edge and down the counter.

"I TOLD YOU WE WERE LEAVING 15 MINUTES AGO!!!"

"But Myoooommmmmmm! Waaaaaaaa!"

"NOW YOU MISERABLE LITTLE BRAT! I WISH I HAD HAD THAT ABORTION!" She grabs little Timmy by the arm and drags him off kicking and screaming. Meanwhile the waffles silently cook, then overcook, then start to char as the dining room slowly fills with smoke. At this point an elderly lady will come to the front and say,

"Excuse me you're out of the Delicious Orange Juice"...the orange juice which comes from concentrate and tastes like sugar water which gives me a sour stomach just thinking about it. So I will go up to throw in another container of orange sludge and find flames shooting out from under the waffle iron. Come on now you know as well as I that's EXACTLY what would happen. I'd say the solution is to buy the pre-cooked package waffles that you heat up in the toaster...but they don't know how to work that either.

You should have used Preparation H...on your mouth.

*snap snap snap (fingers snapping) tap tap tap (fingernails rapping on the counter)*

"Come on COME ON! I need to get going!"

To my impatient guests who think they're so important they can't afford to waste a second on anything: up your's.

I realize that in the fabulously glamorous world of 'Used Car Sales' you're used to fast-talking and borderline hustling of people. But here in my world we actually take time to be pleasant, patient, and understanding. While you're sucking the lifeblood out of your customers trying to earn a commission, I'm getting paid an hourly wage. Unlike you its optional for me to be a ginormous asshole (though I would find that unthinkable), because lets face it: the pay is the same whether I try hard or not.

You're used to having things your own way. You think this is because you're important and sucessful and therefore deserve such treatment. Actually its because people can't stand you and will do almost anything to make you shutup and GO AWAY!

I however, am your worst enemy. I'm exceedingly patient and insults, threats, and temper-tantrums don't affect me in the slightest. You WILL get your receipts; sure I could have it "right quick" but you're going to have to wait till your attitude improves. I don't believe in rewarding sociopathic behavior.

Sorry...dumbass.

HeadOn Apply directly to the forehead!

Sometimes I wish there was a sound associated with rolling your eyes. It wouldn't have to happen each time but it would be reserved for occasions when somebody said something REALLY exasperating. Case in point: this morning I received a phone call at exactly 7:01AM. I REALLY could have used the eye roll sound effect for that phone call.

"Umm hi, my husband and I are recently divorced and he has custody of the kids and lives in Colorado Springs now..." (Like I care lady)

"...Anyway my current fiance and I are going to be travelling out there in September and we're thinking of staying at your hotel for a couple of nights..." (Again: so what? 'your hotel' are the first two words you've said so far that interest me)

"...Can you describe the neighborhood that you're in?" (this call couldn't have waited till oh I don't know, NEVER?) So I went through the whole shpeal and finally she said thanks for the information and hung up.

In an ideal world, here's how that same conversation would have gone...

*ring ring* [Thawump - eye roll sound effect]

"Umm hi, [Thawump] my husband and I are recently divorced and he has custody of the kids and lives in Colorado Springs now..." [Thawump]

"...Anyway my current fiance and I are going to be travelling out there in September [Thawump][Thawump] and we're thinking of staying at your hotel for a couple of nights..."[Thawump][Thawump][Thawump]!

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize how rediculous and pointless this would sound until I heard your eyes rolling, I'll call back at a normal person hour, bye now"[Thawump]

Drive safely you Cheap Rotten Bastard! And take your wife's thighs with you.

Every now and then you get a retired Lawyer as a guest in the hotel. In case you've never met one before I'll fill you in on the dirt. Lawyers are by definition: rotten bastards. Retired lawyers (by extension of being old coots) are even worse; they are Cheap Rotten Bastards. You know how they say "Doctors make the worst patients"? Well lawyers (while not necessarily the worst guests...that award goes to Bridezillas) make terrible hotel guests. Why? Unlike most they will actually READ everything you ask them to sign. And then they will quiz you on the information even though they know full-well they have a much better grasp of "limited liability" than you.

Whereas a normal person would simply intitial and sign wherever you told them to, with Cheap Rotten Bastard Lawyers you get:

"Well now wait a minute what's this? 'I agree that my liability for this bill is not waived and agree to be held personally liable in the event that the indicated person, company, or association fails to pay the full amount of these charges' what else are you going to charge my card for!?"

The answer being: Nothing...provided you aren't adding additional nights, running up your phone bill, charging concessions to your room, etc. However you as the 'indicated person' are affirming that you will be responsible for any charges you (indicated person) incur.

"Grunt, well I'll sign it then." You know at that very moment CRB (Cheap Rotten Bastard) is going to sit down with his bill at checkout and scrutinize everything from the AAA discount percentage to the sales tax. Will he borrow your calculator to check his figures? No of course not, how does he know your calculator doesn't lie to him the same as you?
Then when all is said and done, CRB will plop down: a coupon.

One more for the Lemming Pile

OMG Have you noticed the alarming increase in the number of marriages between one man and five women, one man and a goat, or between ten men, fifteen women, a dolphin, and a television remote lately? Neither have I. Yet as far as Fundamentalist Christian Bigots are concerned all of these things were bound to take place now that same-sex Marriage is legal in Massachusetts. Well Fundies, I don't mean to be a smart-mouthed bastard (it comes naturally) but uh...so...when are people gonna make with the polygamy? And I don't want to gloat (though if I do its only because I was right all along) but you're running out of time for your dire predictions to come true.

"Oh but you forget, rampant homosexuality and same-sex marriage presaged the downfall of the Roman Empire we can't take that risk!" Thou sayest.

Actually I can recall only one "same-sex" marriage that occured in Roman history, that of the Emperor Nero to a slave boy. However as I also recall, anyone who dared defy Nero invariably wound up dead. But same-sex marriage in ancient Rome was actually quite illegal. Ancient Romans in fact placed preminate value on heterosexual marriage and family life. In fact the Ancient Roman ideal of the family unit with the male as the leader of the household followed by the subservient woman (or women occasionally) and Leave-it-to-Beaver children would be something that modern Fundies in the United States could only achieve in their wettest dreams if not for that bothersome notion of "Freedom".

What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. That is of course an overgeneralization but I think one that aptly describes the antics of the anti-gay movement in America. If there is one constant in the ever changing dynamic of American politics its that: Fundamentalists SUCK when it comes to maintaining momentum for their cause. This is due in part to their reticence to embrace new ideas of course, but also because of their attitude that the world is organized in sharp contrasts. Black and White, good vs evil, right vs wrong, etc. And while they may have the ability to gain a victory politically what they don't seem to understand is that they have to maintain it.

Examples of ConservaFundie rationale:

1. "Well we won the last election, why are you bothering registering Democrat voters? Don't you realize you lost?"
2. "Voters passed Prop 22 the Defense of Marriage Act in California in 2000, it doesn't matter that a majority now support civil unions or same-sex marriage. Changing it now would go against the 'will of the voters'".

In the mindset of Conservatives (especially of the Fundamentalist Christian variety) changes in public opinion are irrelevant so long as at some point public opinion happened to coincide with their opinion. Whatever it was then is whatever it is now; it must be because opinions are set in stone...and change is scary. There are of course times when even the most stubborn fundy must concede defeat...at least internally. When that happens the ensuing drama is absolutely delicious.

Consider the screeching drama queens at VoteOnMarriage.org who organized to try and force a constitutional amendment be added to the Massachusetts's state constitution. After failing the first two times to get a majority in the admittedly left-leaning legislature to vote for the ballot initiative they tried a much less common (and more despicable) tactic. First they rounded up enough signatures (through scare mongering, threats, and we found out later: outright lying for Jesus) to require that only 1/4th the legislators vote in favor of the amendment in two consecutive terms for the question to be put to the voters. And: it happened. Oh you should have heard the cackles of sheer hategasm on the Fundie side.

"Now you queers are gonna PAY!" etc, etc. But like the Fundie style of lovemaking (both mostly clothed, missionary style through a hole in a sheet) it was over before you knew it had begun. The amendment failed to get the necessary 1/4th legislature support it needed the second time around. Gasp! Could it be that the legislators involved in the first vote over a year ago had time to listen to some of the concerns of their gay and lesbian constituents, took time to consider the impact of their decision, and accordingly changed their minds? Not according to VoteOnMarriage.org. Nay it was meddlesome outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi who "forced" (I guess through the Imperius curse or something) 11 lawmakers to change their vote.

VoteOnMarriage.org recently decided not to try a third time to gather signatures to bring the ballot before the legislature. Curious because they still claim "vast public support" for their small-penised brand of bigotry. Instead they now threaten the careers of lawmakers who don't vote the way they like. Yeah that always works. Dumbbutts

Dear Myspace Bimbo

This morning I awoke with a start. It was 3:55AM. Something had jarred me out of a sound sleep. I held my breath for a moment and let my eyes adjust to the looming dark and that's when I noticed the light on my cell phone blinking. It is rare for me to receive a message after midnight, so, fearing the worst I plucked the phone from the charger and opened it. "Youve got a new message on Myspace from Laura!" it announced in cheerful computer generated email.
"Raaaaawwrrrrr!" said I as I rolled over and set the alarm for 5:40AM, "curse you Laura whoever you are!"

What could be so urgent that it would require a myspace message at 4 o'clock in the morning? Well I found out later that morning as I was riding the bus to work. As is my usual custom I try to become wrapped up in the morning news on my cell phone. This has a couple of advantages. For one it staves off the boredom of sitting at the station for 20 minutes. For another its a great way to avoid making eye contact with the mentally ill alcoholics that typically ride the bus who might otherwise start talking to me.

But on this particular morning I decided to check my myspace messages. The message from Laura read: (and I'm paraphrasing because it was one of those crappy picture of text messages that spammers think Myspace won't be able to figure out and filter)

"Hey what happened to you? I've been trying to reach you. Well I THOUGHT we'd make a cute couple and you're really hot but obviously you're not interested. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING! But here's a picture to tease you [Insert random female butt picture] If you change your mind about us click on http://www.lameassstraightidiots.com/."

THAT'S why I had to wake up two hours early?

So I wrote back:

"Dear myspace bimbo, while its true that I am hot and you and I would make a cute couple (by extension of my hottness), I feel it important to say that I have absolutely zero interest in you, your boobs, or your ass. There are several reasons why you fail as an individual to qualify for a relationship with me of any sort. I'm sure you have self-esteem issues and hearing the reasons why you are a reject would be devestating to you. Well here they are:

1. You're inconsiderate, rude, and obnoxious. I don't like people who call at all hours and leave ultimatums about our relationship. I find it smothering and it shows a deep lack of trust on your part, and that hurts my feelings.
   
2. Your sense of self-worth is dependent entirely on what others think of you. Consequently you cling to relationships even LONG after your lover has lost interest in you. And why has he you ask? Probably because you've driven him insane with your "If you really loved me you'd know what to do right now and if I have to tell you it must mean you hate me!" attitude. If you can't be happy by yourself you're just going destroy the spirit of whoever you're with.
   
3. Your little "Boobs wiggle booty shake" routine might get you whatever you want from other men, but all you'll get out of me is a laugh. You have no power here be gone!