You don't need a degree to operate a toaster...

So there I was minding my own business when this trailer trash looking guy comes barrelling out of the dining room.

"THE TOASTER IS STUCK IN THE ON POSITION!"

So I calmly made my way into the dining room to check on things. As I was walking toward the toaster it popped up as usual. There was no toast in it however. So I asked the gentleman (and I use that term loosely),

"Did your toast get burned?" He shook his head.

"Nah I took the toast out with the tonges". I assured him everything was fine now and went back to work. The toaster, being one of the simplest appliances, operates on the principle that the user is more intelligent than it is. As the average toaster costs $12.95 at Walmart its a safe bet its probably not loaded with advanced technology that is able to sense when the toast is manually pulled out the slot. That being the case, the toaster will naturally plug along until it reaches the point it assumes the toast is done whether or not there is actually any bread in there. If the toaster WERE actually stuck the logical solution is to: pull the plug. Then it will cool down enough to be serviced or if necessary discarded and replaced. Its people like that guy I mentioned that are the reason we can't have nice things.

One of the most common complaints I hear (in regards to the breakfast) comes in the form of an accusing question: "Oh you don't have a waffle station?" NO WE DO NOT HAVE A WAFFLE STATION. A make your own waffle station would be an unqualified disaster; most of these people aren't bright enough to handle a bowl of cereal. I can just hear it now....

"Timmy its time to go!"

"Just a second mom I'm making another waffle!" Timmy pours more batter on both griddles, spilling over the edge and down the counter.

"I TOLD YOU WE WERE LEAVING 15 MINUTES AGO!!!"

"But Myoooommmmmmm! Waaaaaaaa!"

"NOW YOU MISERABLE LITTLE BRAT! I WISH I HAD HAD THAT ABORTION!" She grabs little Timmy by the arm and drags him off kicking and screaming. Meanwhile the waffles silently cook, then overcook, then start to char as the dining room slowly fills with smoke. At this point an elderly lady will come to the front and say,

"Excuse me you're out of the Delicious Orange Juice"...the orange juice which comes from concentrate and tastes like sugar water which gives me a sour stomach just thinking about it. So I will go up to throw in another container of orange sludge and find flames shooting out from under the waffle iron. Come on now you know as well as I that's EXACTLY what would happen. I'd say the solution is to buy the pre-cooked package waffles that you heat up in the toaster...but they don't know how to work that either.

You should have used Preparation H...on your mouth.

*snap snap snap (fingers snapping) tap tap tap (fingernails rapping on the counter)*

"Come on COME ON! I need to get going!"

To my impatient guests who think they're so important they can't afford to waste a second on anything: up your's.

I realize that in the fabulously glamorous world of 'Used Car Sales' you're used to fast-talking and borderline hustling of people. But here in my world we actually take time to be pleasant, patient, and understanding. While you're sucking the lifeblood out of your customers trying to earn a commission, I'm getting paid an hourly wage. Unlike you its optional for me to be a ginormous asshole (though I would find that unthinkable), because lets face it: the pay is the same whether I try hard or not.

You're used to having things your own way. You think this is because you're important and sucessful and therefore deserve such treatment. Actually its because people can't stand you and will do almost anything to make you shutup and GO AWAY!

I however, am your worst enemy. I'm exceedingly patient and insults, threats, and temper-tantrums don't affect me in the slightest. You WILL get your receipts; sure I could have it "right quick" but you're going to have to wait till your attitude improves. I don't believe in rewarding sociopathic behavior.

Sorry...dumbass.

HeadOn Apply directly to the forehead!

Sometimes I wish there was a sound associated with rolling your eyes. It wouldn't have to happen each time but it would be reserved for occasions when somebody said something REALLY exasperating. Case in point: this morning I received a phone call at exactly 7:01AM. I REALLY could have used the eye roll sound effect for that phone call.

"Umm hi, my husband and I are recently divorced and he has custody of the kids and lives in Colorado Springs now..." (Like I care lady)

"...Anyway my current fiance and I are going to be travelling out there in September and we're thinking of staying at your hotel for a couple of nights..." (Again: so what? 'your hotel' are the first two words you've said so far that interest me)

"...Can you describe the neighborhood that you're in?" (this call couldn't have waited till oh I don't know, NEVER?) So I went through the whole shpeal and finally she said thanks for the information and hung up.

In an ideal world, here's how that same conversation would have gone...

*ring ring* [Thawump - eye roll sound effect]

"Umm hi, [Thawump] my husband and I are recently divorced and he has custody of the kids and lives in Colorado Springs now..." [Thawump]

"...Anyway my current fiance and I are going to be travelling out there in September [Thawump][Thawump] and we're thinking of staying at your hotel for a couple of nights..."[Thawump][Thawump][Thawump]!

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize how rediculous and pointless this would sound until I heard your eyes rolling, I'll call back at a normal person hour, bye now"[Thawump]

Drive safely you Cheap Rotten Bastard! And take your wife's thighs with you.

Every now and then you get a retired Lawyer as a guest in the hotel. In case you've never met one before I'll fill you in on the dirt. Lawyers are by definition: rotten bastards. Retired lawyers (by extension of being old coots) are even worse; they are Cheap Rotten Bastards. You know how they say "Doctors make the worst patients"? Well lawyers (while not necessarily the worst guests...that award goes to Bridezillas) make terrible hotel guests. Why? Unlike most they will actually READ everything you ask them to sign. And then they will quiz you on the information even though they know full-well they have a much better grasp of "limited liability" than you.

Whereas a normal person would simply intitial and sign wherever you told them to, with Cheap Rotten Bastard Lawyers you get:

"Well now wait a minute what's this? 'I agree that my liability for this bill is not waived and agree to be held personally liable in the event that the indicated person, company, or association fails to pay the full amount of these charges' what else are you going to charge my card for!?"

The answer being: Nothing...provided you aren't adding additional nights, running up your phone bill, charging concessions to your room, etc. However you as the 'indicated person' are affirming that you will be responsible for any charges you (indicated person) incur.

"Grunt, well I'll sign it then." You know at that very moment CRB (Cheap Rotten Bastard) is going to sit down with his bill at checkout and scrutinize everything from the AAA discount percentage to the sales tax. Will he borrow your calculator to check his figures? No of course not, how does he know your calculator doesn't lie to him the same as you?
Then when all is said and done, CRB will plop down: a coupon.

Malcontent in the Middle

As of late I've notice an alarming increase in the number of morons in Colorado Springs. There seems to be a cluster effect around this time of the year and I think I've figured it out. Morons, being dullards, are naturally uncreative and pick the same time of the year to travel because their primative herd instinct instructs them too. This is quite a problem because: stupid people SHOULD NOT travel.

How to tell if you're a stupid idiot moron who should not travel:

1. You say things like, "Reservations? We don't need no stinking reservations" and just expect that every hotel is leaving a room vacant just in case you decide to grace them with your presence.

2. You think its a good idea to pack 5 kids, all under the age of 7, into a car and drive from your hickville hometown to someplace 1,000 miles away you've never been before. Kids are by definition: irritating to everyone around them. They're messy, greasy/sticky, smelly, and screechy. If you must travel may we suggest putting them up for adoption first?

3. All coupons are "based on availability" they are not advertisements. If a store offers a coupon for 1/2 price off a certain make and brand of stereo and they are sold out of them by the time you get there...do you throw a fit and stomp your feet and scream, "THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING!"? No, you'd simply drive to the next Target or Walmart. And guess what? That's the same thing you get to do with hotels till you find one that will take your cheap wrinkled butt; don't be surprised if they rent by the hour.

People Watching

This morning at the hotel I saw a Dork and four of his little dorklings come in. OMG this guy was a huge Dork, let me tell you. Looked like a middle-aged Harry Potter. And his kids? Looked like Revenge of the Nerds: the grade school years. I swear they were totally stereotypical. I wanted to take a picture but I thought that probably would have been rude. One of them even got a bloody nose. All that was missing of course was the Nerd Matriarch. I specifically remember saying to myself, "I have GOT to see this woman for myself," when in she waltzed. She was a frumpy, tree-hugging-looking, earth-muffin who squinted through thick glasses and said, "Good 'Moyning'!" with a buck-toothed smile. With a grin from ear-to-ear I said, "and good morning to you ma'am," not because I was particularly happy to see her but because she fit the mental image I had of her...PERFECTLY!

Back Fatty Bo Batty

So there I was behind the front desk of the hotel, minding my own business, when I heard the front door open. So I stood up and went to the counter to see who it was. A man was standing in the doorway. This is not unusual except that he was holding the door handle, just kind of leaning against the door and was breathing heavily.
I asked,

"Sir? Are you doing alright?" He didn't answer but began shuffling to the counter. When he had crossed the foyer he finally spoke.

"I'm having, a bit of a problem here..." *wheeze* *cough*

"I can see you're having some trouble breathing, shall I call the hospital?" I asked. He took a deep breath, swallowed and said,

"No, no, I'll be alright. I've just had the wind knocked out of me. Ummmmm...this is kind of embarassing...but I've broken your shower."

See the damage for yourself:

At this point I think it only fair to point out that this man was not some athletic soldier type who would look good with his shirt off. I point it out because, well, he felt in necessary to take off his shirt, in the lobby of the hotel, in full view of the guests in the dining room, to show me the bruise he would have. It was a nightmare A NIGHTMARE I tell you! Dude had back boobies...seriously it was scary.

Not only that but of course he looked to be wearing a dark wool sweater what with all the back hair. It was grizzly. *shudders*

Famous people I know

Today I was thrilled to learn that we now have Wanda Sykes working for us as a housekeeper. Actually no it was not her. That would have been cool though. Our new housekeeper's name is Debra, and even though she's not really a famous comedienne she is a really nice person who is eager to work. And she does bear a striking resemblance to Wanda. Moreover she actually has housekeeping experience (3+ years) and she showed up...which is actually a really good indicator of reliability in this industry.

Having reliable housekeepers is like having wireless broadband internet access, cable, or fresh coffee. Its something you never think about until its gone. And boy oh boy do you miss it. I was getting tired of folding linens and towels in addition to my regular duties at the front desk; actually I never did mind it that much cause it was good mindless busy-work and I could watch TV. I still screw up while folding the fitted king-size sheets though, they look like crap.

Anyway, just thought you should know about the famous people I know.