You should have used Preparation H...on your mouth.

*snap snap snap (fingers snapping) tap tap tap (fingernails rapping on the counter)*

"Come on COME ON! I need to get going!"

To my impatient guests who think they're so important they can't afford to waste a second on anything: up your's.

I realize that in the fabulously glamorous world of 'Used Car Sales' you're used to fast-talking and borderline hustling of people. But here in my world we actually take time to be pleasant, patient, and understanding. While you're sucking the lifeblood out of your customers trying to earn a commission, I'm getting paid an hourly wage. Unlike you its optional for me to be a ginormous asshole (though I would find that unthinkable), because lets face it: the pay is the same whether I try hard or not.

You're used to having things your own way. You think this is because you're important and sucessful and therefore deserve such treatment. Actually its because people can't stand you and will do almost anything to make you shutup and GO AWAY!

I however, am your worst enemy. I'm exceedingly patient and insults, threats, and temper-tantrums don't affect me in the slightest. You WILL get your receipts; sure I could have it "right quick" but you're going to have to wait till your attitude improves. I don't believe in rewarding sociopathic behavior.

Sorry...dumbass.

HeadOn Apply directly to the forehead!

Sometimes I wish there was a sound associated with rolling your eyes. It wouldn't have to happen each time but it would be reserved for occasions when somebody said something REALLY exasperating. Case in point: this morning I received a phone call at exactly 7:01AM. I REALLY could have used the eye roll sound effect for that phone call.

"Umm hi, my husband and I are recently divorced and he has custody of the kids and lives in Colorado Springs now..." (Like I care lady)

"...Anyway my current fiance and I are going to be travelling out there in September and we're thinking of staying at your hotel for a couple of nights..." (Again: so what? 'your hotel' are the first two words you've said so far that interest me)

"...Can you describe the neighborhood that you're in?" (this call couldn't have waited till oh I don't know, NEVER?) So I went through the whole shpeal and finally she said thanks for the information and hung up.

In an ideal world, here's how that same conversation would have gone...

*ring ring* [Thawump - eye roll sound effect]

"Umm hi, [Thawump] my husband and I are recently divorced and he has custody of the kids and lives in Colorado Springs now..." [Thawump]

"...Anyway my current fiance and I are going to be travelling out there in September [Thawump][Thawump] and we're thinking of staying at your hotel for a couple of nights..."[Thawump][Thawump][Thawump]!

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize how rediculous and pointless this would sound until I heard your eyes rolling, I'll call back at a normal person hour, bye now"[Thawump]

Drive safely you Cheap Rotten Bastard! And take your wife's thighs with you.

Every now and then you get a retired Lawyer as a guest in the hotel. In case you've never met one before I'll fill you in on the dirt. Lawyers are by definition: rotten bastards. Retired lawyers (by extension of being old coots) are even worse; they are Cheap Rotten Bastards. You know how they say "Doctors make the worst patients"? Well lawyers (while not necessarily the worst guests...that award goes to Bridezillas) make terrible hotel guests. Why? Unlike most they will actually READ everything you ask them to sign. And then they will quiz you on the information even though they know full-well they have a much better grasp of "limited liability" than you.

Whereas a normal person would simply intitial and sign wherever you told them to, with Cheap Rotten Bastard Lawyers you get:

"Well now wait a minute what's this? 'I agree that my liability for this bill is not waived and agree to be held personally liable in the event that the indicated person, company, or association fails to pay the full amount of these charges' what else are you going to charge my card for!?"

The answer being: Nothing...provided you aren't adding additional nights, running up your phone bill, charging concessions to your room, etc. However you as the 'indicated person' are affirming that you will be responsible for any charges you (indicated person) incur.

"Grunt, well I'll sign it then." You know at that very moment CRB (Cheap Rotten Bastard) is going to sit down with his bill at checkout and scrutinize everything from the AAA discount percentage to the sales tax. Will he borrow your calculator to check his figures? No of course not, how does he know your calculator doesn't lie to him the same as you?
Then when all is said and done, CRB will plop down: a coupon.

One more for the Lemming Pile

OMG Have you noticed the alarming increase in the number of marriages between one man and five women, one man and a goat, or between ten men, fifteen women, a dolphin, and a television remote lately? Neither have I. Yet as far as Fundamentalist Christian Bigots are concerned all of these things were bound to take place now that same-sex Marriage is legal in Massachusetts. Well Fundies, I don't mean to be a smart-mouthed bastard (it comes naturally) but uh...so...when are people gonna make with the polygamy? And I don't want to gloat (though if I do its only because I was right all along) but you're running out of time for your dire predictions to come true.

"Oh but you forget, rampant homosexuality and same-sex marriage presaged the downfall of the Roman Empire we can't take that risk!" Thou sayest.

Actually I can recall only one "same-sex" marriage that occured in Roman history, that of the Emperor Nero to a slave boy. However as I also recall, anyone who dared defy Nero invariably wound up dead. But same-sex marriage in ancient Rome was actually quite illegal. Ancient Romans in fact placed preminate value on heterosexual marriage and family life. In fact the Ancient Roman ideal of the family unit with the male as the leader of the household followed by the subservient woman (or women occasionally) and Leave-it-to-Beaver children would be something that modern Fundies in the United States could only achieve in their wettest dreams if not for that bothersome notion of "Freedom".

What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. That is of course an overgeneralization but I think one that aptly describes the antics of the anti-gay movement in America. If there is one constant in the ever changing dynamic of American politics its that: Fundamentalists SUCK when it comes to maintaining momentum for their cause. This is due in part to their reticence to embrace new ideas of course, but also because of their attitude that the world is organized in sharp contrasts. Black and White, good vs evil, right vs wrong, etc. And while they may have the ability to gain a victory politically what they don't seem to understand is that they have to maintain it.

Examples of ConservaFundie rationale:

1. "Well we won the last election, why are you bothering registering Democrat voters? Don't you realize you lost?"
2. "Voters passed Prop 22 the Defense of Marriage Act in California in 2000, it doesn't matter that a majority now support civil unions or same-sex marriage. Changing it now would go against the 'will of the voters'".

In the mindset of Conservatives (especially of the Fundamentalist Christian variety) changes in public opinion are irrelevant so long as at some point public opinion happened to coincide with their opinion. Whatever it was then is whatever it is now; it must be because opinions are set in stone...and change is scary. There are of course times when even the most stubborn fundy must concede defeat...at least internally. When that happens the ensuing drama is absolutely delicious.

Consider the screeching drama queens at VoteOnMarriage.org who organized to try and force a constitutional amendment be added to the Massachusetts's state constitution. After failing the first two times to get a majority in the admittedly left-leaning legislature to vote for the ballot initiative they tried a much less common (and more despicable) tactic. First they rounded up enough signatures (through scare mongering, threats, and we found out later: outright lying for Jesus) to require that only 1/4th the legislators vote in favor of the amendment in two consecutive terms for the question to be put to the voters. And: it happened. Oh you should have heard the cackles of sheer hategasm on the Fundie side.

"Now you queers are gonna PAY!" etc, etc. But like the Fundie style of lovemaking (both mostly clothed, missionary style through a hole in a sheet) it was over before you knew it had begun. The amendment failed to get the necessary 1/4th legislature support it needed the second time around. Gasp! Could it be that the legislators involved in the first vote over a year ago had time to listen to some of the concerns of their gay and lesbian constituents, took time to consider the impact of their decision, and accordingly changed their minds? Not according to VoteOnMarriage.org. Nay it was meddlesome outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi who "forced" (I guess through the Imperius curse or something) 11 lawmakers to change their vote.

VoteOnMarriage.org recently decided not to try a third time to gather signatures to bring the ballot before the legislature. Curious because they still claim "vast public support" for their small-penised brand of bigotry. Instead they now threaten the careers of lawmakers who don't vote the way they like. Yeah that always works. Dumbbutts

Dear Myspace Bimbo

This morning I awoke with a start. It was 3:55AM. Something had jarred me out of a sound sleep. I held my breath for a moment and let my eyes adjust to the looming dark and that's when I noticed the light on my cell phone blinking. It is rare for me to receive a message after midnight, so, fearing the worst I plucked the phone from the charger and opened it. "Youve got a new message on Myspace from Laura!" it announced in cheerful computer generated email.
"Raaaaawwrrrrr!" said I as I rolled over and set the alarm for 5:40AM, "curse you Laura whoever you are!"

What could be so urgent that it would require a myspace message at 4 o'clock in the morning? Well I found out later that morning as I was riding the bus to work. As is my usual custom I try to become wrapped up in the morning news on my cell phone. This has a couple of advantages. For one it staves off the boredom of sitting at the station for 20 minutes. For another its a great way to avoid making eye contact with the mentally ill alcoholics that typically ride the bus who might otherwise start talking to me.

But on this particular morning I decided to check my myspace messages. The message from Laura read: (and I'm paraphrasing because it was one of those crappy picture of text messages that spammers think Myspace won't be able to figure out and filter)

"Hey what happened to you? I've been trying to reach you. Well I THOUGHT we'd make a cute couple and you're really hot but obviously you're not interested. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING! But here's a picture to tease you [Insert random female butt picture] If you change your mind about us click on http://www.lameassstraightidiots.com/."

THAT'S why I had to wake up two hours early?

So I wrote back:

"Dear myspace bimbo, while its true that I am hot and you and I would make a cute couple (by extension of my hottness), I feel it important to say that I have absolutely zero interest in you, your boobs, or your ass. There are several reasons why you fail as an individual to qualify for a relationship with me of any sort. I'm sure you have self-esteem issues and hearing the reasons why you are a reject would be devestating to you. Well here they are:

1. You're inconsiderate, rude, and obnoxious. I don't like people who call at all hours and leave ultimatums about our relationship. I find it smothering and it shows a deep lack of trust on your part, and that hurts my feelings.
   
2. Your sense of self-worth is dependent entirely on what others think of you. Consequently you cling to relationships even LONG after your lover has lost interest in you. And why has he you ask? Probably because you've driven him insane with your "If you really loved me you'd know what to do right now and if I have to tell you it must mean you hate me!" attitude. If you can't be happy by yourself you're just going destroy the spirit of whoever you're with.
   
3. Your little "Boobs wiggle booty shake" routine might get you whatever you want from other men, but all you'll get out of me is a laugh. You have no power here be gone!

Malcontent in the Middle

As of late I've notice an alarming increase in the number of morons in Colorado Springs. There seems to be a cluster effect around this time of the year and I think I've figured it out. Morons, being dullards, are naturally uncreative and pick the same time of the year to travel because their primative herd instinct instructs them too. This is quite a problem because: stupid people SHOULD NOT travel.

How to tell if you're a stupid idiot moron who should not travel:

1. You say things like, "Reservations? We don't need no stinking reservations" and just expect that every hotel is leaving a room vacant just in case you decide to grace them with your presence.

2. You think its a good idea to pack 5 kids, all under the age of 7, into a car and drive from your hickville hometown to someplace 1,000 miles away you've never been before. Kids are by definition: irritating to everyone around them. They're messy, greasy/sticky, smelly, and screechy. If you must travel may we suggest putting them up for adoption first?

3. All coupons are "based on availability" they are not advertisements. If a store offers a coupon for 1/2 price off a certain make and brand of stereo and they are sold out of them by the time you get there...do you throw a fit and stomp your feet and scream, "THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING!"? No, you'd simply drive to the next Target or Walmart. And guess what? That's the same thing you get to do with hotels till you find one that will take your cheap wrinkled butt; don't be surprised if they rent by the hour.

I see you found my Underground, help yourself to Guns and Ammo

Its another rainy grey day. You know what that means: time for another deeply pensive blog entry in which I ponder the meaning of the universe. Oh lucky you!This morning (before I awoke the second time) I dreampt that I was the mutant Magneto. And while it was cool to be able to sense and manipulate the electromagnetic fields around me my over-all impression of the dream was that that was merely incidental. A friend of mine insists that I was reading too much into the X-Men movies and comic books. But I contend that the series is a metaphor for a variety of minority rights issues (which broaches on allegory to misuse a definition). So much so that you'd have to have blinders on not to see it.

One of the recurring themes is the Magneto character's preoccupation with preserving "his kind". This is somewhat of a concern of mine as well although it would take some serious crisis for me to consider taking thing's to Magneto's extremes. Magneto believes in the supremacy of the Mutants over "normal" human beings. While this is in-and-of itself an appealing premise it can lead to the same megalomaniacal complex which spawned the Nazi party's belief in Aryan supremacy. This is a curious mindset for Magneto to have as he suffered under the Nazi's and had direct insight into their brutality. Yet, he adopts many of the same tactics and this ultimately leads to the same end: attempted genocide.

I think the point of Magneto is to show how the desire to protect one's own kind needs to be tempered with respect and tolerance of others who are NOT your own kind. This is a lesson everyone should learn. Unfortunately we live in a political and social climate wherein the mere act of asserting your differences is an affront to others. Such a response is bound to generate resentment amongst those who are "on the outs" with our culture. Who can blame them? How would you like to be called "the enemy" in the "Culture War" and to be accused of attempting to destroy a nation? Especially when you never bore any malice toward anyone? What's important is our response. Do we claim to be "better" than our enemies but feel justified in giving them a taste of their own medicine? Or do we actually take a morally positive position and prove how superior we are?

-T